why didn’t I just move to my mum’s like I said I would? things would be so much simpler if I had.. I wouldn’t be hurting, wouldn’t be holding on, wouldn’t need a fucking lock on my bedroom door.. might just not come back when I go to visit her..

pictures

They say a picture captures a single moment in life, and can say thousands of words about that moment.. I see pictures of me and I see those words..
The eyes.. they tell a tale of sorrow, loss and pain, things they can no longer hide because it’s all too much to bear..
The smile.. it is not a testament to true happiness, rather it masks my insecurity, my loneliness and bitterness..
The hat.. it is my safety net because I can pull it low over my eyes, I can see the world from my dark shelter instead of having it blind me from all directions..

maybe one day I’ll stop trying to wear a mask.. maybe one day I won’t need one.. one thing my pictures definitely tell me is that I’m barely hanging on by a thread.. It wouldn’t take much for me to snap..

gaming

it helps me to forget reality.. even just for a short while.. I can forget that I have any problems, I can immerse myself in this whole other world with much simpler rules.. even gaming with her is better than most of the rest of the time, because all that matters is getting the kills and not getting killed..

great, work.. plus now I’ve got that on my mind, so I’m gonna have a shit shift, then I’ll get home at half 10 just to get pissed off, have an awkward conversation with the ex about sex and people I don’t care about, to then hopefully passing out ready to do it all again the next day.. what a fun life i lead..where everything is totally going according to plan.. not. no, it’s just that the sheer banality of it has increased to such a level that I’d rather jump into a shark tank covered in open wounds and barbecue sauce with a sign saying ‘all you can eat’ than live another day of my miserable existence.. but I promised..

pain..

it just keeps on going, doesn’t it? what is even the point of having emotional pain? physical pain I understand, but emotions? those emotions in particular?.. I don’t want to be in pain anymore.. I don’t want to feel.. because now she’s hurting worse than ever.. and there’s nothing I can do about it.. and it’s pain over him.. how the fuck am I meant to take care of her when I hurt her and can’t even help.. waste of space, right here!